So I should be sleeping right now but I just have to let you guys know, tonight's been an awesome night. I saw the bhangra team perform yesterday and I thought they were pretty great but apparently they were sloppy. I went over to tell them how great they were and they all looked at me in disbelief. I also got free indian food for dinner and danced with my team. I was feeling really hyper and got really into the dances for some reason, and nobody on the team thought I had it in me...they thought my curry was spiked! But it was fun. I just want to say that Upa's boyfriend Rahul is pretty hot. For an indian guy, he's hot. I danced with him at Fourway and he was a great dancer too. He didn't really talk to me today but oh well, he's a cutie. He and Upa look really cute together though. Can't be messing with that yo, Upa's my teammate! Also, this other boy Seiful is a cutie too. He got my number last night and now he's going to text me whenever IND has events. Apparently he's going out with Treesa but I don't care because he didn't talk to her really all night. The whole time he was chilling with me and Ashley. Seiful, he's hot. Bing is changing me...it's making me like brown boys.

So after I left the banquet (the bhangra team performed at a banquet for the Hindu festival of Diwali by the way) I met up with my other friends and we dressed up and went downtown. I met George, the boy I was obsessed with. Note I say 'was' because I'm not anymore. He showered my friends Lisa and Danielle with attention the whole night and only danced with me once. It really upset me that he kept dancing with Danielle, I've been waiting to have a moment with George forever. I even conversed with him (to my friends' amazement, while I was completely sober) and put myself out there! What a butt. I was feeling pretty down and on top of that no one was really dancing with me. But then this beautiful boy named Mike started dancing with me. No seriously, he was gorgeous. He was really tall, and hot, and black (light-skinned and delicious!). And he had nice lips. He didn't really talk to me once, and I only found out his name by asking him and eventually he asked what my name was. I don't know, but he was hot and he danced with me for the rest of the night and I was ecstatic! Fuck George! I took off my heels at one point, and he's so tall I was hardly grinding with him anymore. After the bar closed down, I decided to keep talking to him just because I wasn't going to let him go like that. My friends were just loitering inside and he wanted to chill for a bit so we went outside and walked around a lot.

I was so close to hooking up guys. So close. And he was hot. The whole time my friends were calling me and telling me that they really wanted me to stay with them. I didn't know him. He was a stranger. He was sexy but I didn't know him. I was an adult, they said. I could make my own choices! I was so close...but there's this inner prude in me that chickened out. He was hot, but I don't know if I was ready to lose my virginity to a stranger like that. I told him I was going with my friends and he asked for my number and we texted for a while after that. I met up with my friends safely and we went to a one person's house and had jaeger bombs and smoked hookah. I had my first jaeger bomb and it was pretty amazing! I loved it! But yeah, what do you guys think of my choice to go with my friends tonight? Do you think I did the right thing or do you think I should have went with the guy to "chill" at his place?

Why why why why why why? Why do I have to be so average? Why don't people ask for my number when I'm in the dining hall? Why don't boys buy me drinks at bars? This horniness is getting ridiculous. Today I found myself wishing I could hook up with a guy after dancing with him or something. I mean, since when has that meant that a boy even cares about you?! I think I just want to feel wanted by someone of the opposite sex. But when I am wanted I turn them down eventually because I want someone hotter. I'm a picky girl. I have high expectations. Darn it, where are my prospects? Today I saw this boy that flirts with me a lot and I kind of like him a bit but he was really eh. The other guy that could be a prospect dropped off the face of the earth. I just want someone to like me consistently, is that too much to ask for? I guess so in college. Psych tomorrow and I'm going to take notes like a true lover of wisdom! The time for change is NOW!

I'm worried. My "reality check" hasn't hit yet and I'm pretty sure I've bombed yet another test. Can I really recover when there are so few tests and assignments? I hate lectures. I miss my small liberal arts courses. I miss getting away with being a bum. Binghamton really is tough. Or maybe I'm just not trying hard enough. I'm so bad at this working hard thing. My social life's been pretty great though. Last night I got bubble tea with some friends and I was just so content with life. I'm getting a little better at bhangra (key word LITTLE) and I'm trying to eat healthy and exercise again. Not to mention there are boys galore to flirt with. But school just seems to be the one thing I'm failing at miserably right now. This sucks...

I'm waiting for that moment when I finally get my act together and I turn down nite owl trips for long hours spent in the library. I'm waiting to get tests with 90s on them instead of...not 90s. I'm waiting for those days spent making flash cards that I study weeks before my test. But who am I kidding? This moment won't come until I become more aware of my bad habits and willingly change them. I have to WANT a transformation and ACT upon it, not just wait like I've been doing. At this point I think I still have a chance of recovering. I think.